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I write, mostly to keep my head from exploding. It threatens to do that a lot. My blog is the pixelated version of all the voices in my head. I tend to dive into what connects me to God, my community, my family and my doubt. I do a lot of searching, not as much finding. I’m good with that. I have learned, finally, to live comfortably in the gray. In the meantime, I wrestle with God, and my doubt and my joy.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

#BlogElul 14 - Remember (A Partially Obstructed View)

I have lost the sharp edges of you.
Even my longing
is softer -
Soft enough to bear
without buckling under
its weight.

I miss the sharpness
and the hurt of it,
When I could feel
the missingness of
you.

Now I only have
a partially obstructed view--
an old photo
in black and white,
It sits on my dresser,
leaning against the wall
in front of it a vase
bought in my Blue Period.
The vase holds loose change,
not flowers.
It should hold flowers.
And you should not have died,
So there is an odd
symmetry there,
if only because I want
the easy gracefulness of that.

Now you are shadowed
and shaded,
and no amount of strain
or neck-craning
will give me full view
of that static,
achingly young,
towel-wrapped ,
smiling
boy.

I swear
You were never that still,
and your life never
black and white.
There should be no softness
in my memory.
The edges should be sharp -
sharp enough to cut,
even through
this partially obstructed view.


(c) Stacey Zisook Robinson
2014