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I write, mostly to keep my head from exploding. It threatens to do that a lot. My blog is the pixelated version of all the voices in my head. I tend to dive into what connects me to God, my community, my family and my doubt. I do a lot of searching, not as much finding. I’m good with that. I have learned, finally, to live comfortably in the gray. In the meantime, I wrestle with God, and my doubt and my joy.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Kaddish Yatom (Mourner's Kaddish)

Today surprised me--
the sun and skies of blue shading
almost translucent,
almost too bright,
studded with clouds
that wandered in stately lines
invisible to the naked eye
and the grieving heart.
It beckoned, this day
of surprises and shaded blueness.
I thought it would be warm;
It's certainly bright enough,
clear enough,
and from my window, 
there are still leaves of green
that cling to their branches,
so it could be a different day

It could be a day in spring,
where the wind still  carries
a quiet note of cold.
and you waited.
wrapped in stillness.
while I walked through 
gardens just at the bursting point,
and blossoms spilled their
scent of life,
all green and yellow and white,
making the air heavy
and light at the same time.
I collected the dew
and a spray of flowers 
for your table.
And you laughed,
and pressed a kiss upon my lips.

It could be that day,
but this day has surprised me,
its colors and leaves framed 
so neatly by my window,
but there are things carried in this 
day, invisible to the naked eye
and a grieving heart.
There are no wildflowers
to collect along the way,
and the grass is stiff with frost.
My step is much slower,
a stumbling gait, 
hesitating and halting.
Slowly, oh so slowly
with love and tender grace
 I lay a spray of flowers
upon your grave,
a surprising note of color, just
visible to my grieving heart.