About Me

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I write, mostly to keep my head from exploding. It threatens to do that a lot. My blog is the pixelated version of all the voices in my head. I tend to dive into what connects me to God, my community, my family and my doubt. I do a lot of searching, not as much finding. I’m good with that. I have learned, finally, to live comfortably in the gray. In the meantime, I wrestle with God, and my doubt and my joy.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Chayei Sarah

I followed you
Through vast deserts and over mountains
Into lush valleys
and across years

I followed you
Though you did not follow me,
Offering me instead to strangers
and angels

I followed you
Into the desert, empty and sere--
Sterile as my womb,
While you built altars
to your God.
And I laughed
And lied
And sent my Handmaid to your bed
To please you
And appease you.

And still I followed you.

I followed you,
Sacrificed my royalty for you,
Watched a Handmaid's child 
Claim a nation

And felt my womb quicken.

Even after 
I followed you 
And laughed at God
And lied--
I felt my womb quicken!

And so I followed you
Drank at your wells
and prayed at your altars
Built to please and appease 
your God.
And you walked through oceans of sand,
Knelt in fertile crescents
Rich and lush as life itself,
Traversed mountains
At the whim of your God.
At the command of God

And on the last mountain
I did not follow.
I watched you walk away,
Walk up that mountain
With our son at your side.
Our son--
Whose life had quickened my womb;
Whose heart had beat in tandem with mine;
Whose hand I held and body I cradled,
Whose fears I eased
And tears I dried--
I did not follow you
While you sacrificed our son
Until the angel stayed your hand.

I will not follow 
Build a nation and altars to God.
I have drunk at your wells,
And laughed, 
And lied;
And watched you walk away,
Watched my son follow you
Up that mountain
Knife in his hand,
The sun silver against that sharpened blade.
He followed,
Your sacrifice 
My son.

And so I will not follow 
I will remain.
Keep your altars
and your God 
I am your sacrifice
And I --
I will not follow.